When I was a kid, maybe 5 or 6, I was cautious to never say swear words. Cautious may not be the right word--borderline obsessive is more like it. "Ask" was always the toughest. I was careful to over enunciate and say "assssK" instead. For my five year old self, the idea of saying a curse word was akin to smoking a cigarette; an act of rebellion for which the consequence from my parents would be a fate worse than death...utter disappointment. Of course now, I have the vocabulary of a sailor on shore leave but that is beside the point. I was not the rebel in my family and I am still not overly comfortable with being rebellious. At this point any 'utter disappointment' would stem from myself and not my parents which, as I have gotten older, impacts me far more.
One of the few acts of rebellion I take part in is eating unhealthy food. It's not as if we were ever denied junk food as a kid and forced to live on mung beans. I'm not trying to get in all of the things I missed out on. However, I would be lying if I said the shirking the tenets of Paleo wasn't fun. It's like I'm two people: the angel who wants to eat socially responsible grassfed meat and organic, pesticide/hormone/antibiotic free everything and the devil who wants to attack a double whopper with my face. Hard. As good as it feels when the angel pipes up and wins the day, it's equally (if not more) fun when the devil takes over.
Finding a balance between the two I think is where this war is going to be won.
Friday, 4 April 2014
Monday, 24 March 2014
Self-Destruct
At the embarresingly endless urging of an old friend (alright...they suggested it once), I have decided to dust off the ol' laptop keys and start up my blog again. What's throwing me a little bit is that the dates on my previous post all indicate that I started this around the same time of year two years ago. What is it about March that makes me want to get into shape? It's my birthday month so the impending doom of the aging process is likely the culprit.
So what has happened since last I wrote? Lots. I started Paleo (no grain, no dairy, extra bacon) and CrossFit (sweat, puke, repeat) June 2012 and I lost 50 lbs by October. Like a boss. And then, less-like-a-boss I regained a lot of it. Weight loss is a tricky thing--you actually have to keep doing healthy things in order to maintain it. I can joke about it all day long, but the truth is, it's a painful thing to be so close to success and then ruin it for yourself. I can pinpoint a couple of things that happened over the course of the year that followed that contributed to my downfall, but ultimately it comes down to two things: laziness and fear. I definitely got lazy. I was at a place physically where I no longer felt 'fat' and just felt normal. I got complacent, cocky and self-entitled. I started resenting having to cook healthy, say no to 'fun' things, and I even resented CrossFit. Which I love. Like a lot. This should really be a clue into my mental state at the time. It's not normal to hate something that you love and makes you better. Regrettably, I decided to push the 'self-destruct' button. The second aspect, fear, is something that I have had a hard time nailing down but I'm confident that was the root of it. Changing is scary and shockingly, changing for the better is scary. One year, all I ate were bologna sandwiches. That's how much I hate change. I didn't expect it, but getting closer to my goal weight kinda freaked me out. I could see it and imagine it in a way that I never had. It was actually becoming a reality. Something about that freaked me out I think. If I had to posture a guess, I would say that I had gotten so used to myself the way I was and being overweight became my reason for everything not working out so great in my life. If I didn't have that as an excuse anymore, then it would mean if someone didn't like me then they really didn't like me.
Of course, now that I'm effectively back at square one, I'd like to punch former me. In the face. Regardless of whatever psychosomatic issues I was dealing with, the fact remains that it was a stupid choice to give up the fight. Which brings me to now. March 2014. Two years later. Starting over again. le sigh. Perhaps this time I'm a little bit wiser and a lot more ready for change. I will be more cognizant of those feelings when they pop up, that's for sure. The plan hasn't changed: CrossFit and Paleo. It works, I believe in it and I love it. I also love Subway so...yea...gonna be tough.
Last time I talked about having a goal of being a fitness competitor. This goal has changed. While I have enormous respect for those who compete, it's not something I feel would be healthy for me--too all or nothing. It don't find that motivating anymore. My new goal is to join a box at some point and compete in the CrossFit Open at this time next year. I don't count on going to the Games but I'd love to do the Open with a group and compete. Cut-off jean shorts is another goal, but I digress...
Anyways, if you've read to the end I feel like you deserve a prize. This biatch was long. All I can say is that this is an outlet for me to hack through thick, tall grass that is my mind but if you take away something good from it, then that's a bonus for me.
So what has happened since last I wrote? Lots. I started Paleo (no grain, no dairy, extra bacon) and CrossFit (sweat, puke, repeat) June 2012 and I lost 50 lbs by October. Like a boss. And then, less-like-a-boss I regained a lot of it. Weight loss is a tricky thing--you actually have to keep doing healthy things in order to maintain it. I can joke about it all day long, but the truth is, it's a painful thing to be so close to success and then ruin it for yourself. I can pinpoint a couple of things that happened over the course of the year that followed that contributed to my downfall, but ultimately it comes down to two things: laziness and fear. I definitely got lazy. I was at a place physically where I no longer felt 'fat' and just felt normal. I got complacent, cocky and self-entitled. I started resenting having to cook healthy, say no to 'fun' things, and I even resented CrossFit. Which I love. Like a lot. This should really be a clue into my mental state at the time. It's not normal to hate something that you love and makes you better. Regrettably, I decided to push the 'self-destruct' button. The second aspect, fear, is something that I have had a hard time nailing down but I'm confident that was the root of it. Changing is scary and shockingly, changing for the better is scary. One year, all I ate were bologna sandwiches. That's how much I hate change. I didn't expect it, but getting closer to my goal weight kinda freaked me out. I could see it and imagine it in a way that I never had. It was actually becoming a reality. Something about that freaked me out I think. If I had to posture a guess, I would say that I had gotten so used to myself the way I was and being overweight became my reason for everything not working out so great in my life. If I didn't have that as an excuse anymore, then it would mean if someone didn't like me then they really didn't like me.
Of course, now that I'm effectively back at square one, I'd like to punch former me. In the face. Regardless of whatever psychosomatic issues I was dealing with, the fact remains that it was a stupid choice to give up the fight. Which brings me to now. March 2014. Two years later. Starting over again. le sigh. Perhaps this time I'm a little bit wiser and a lot more ready for change. I will be more cognizant of those feelings when they pop up, that's for sure. The plan hasn't changed: CrossFit and Paleo. It works, I believe in it and I love it. I also love Subway so...yea...gonna be tough.
Last time I talked about having a goal of being a fitness competitor. This goal has changed. While I have enormous respect for those who compete, it's not something I feel would be healthy for me--too all or nothing. It don't find that motivating anymore. My new goal is to join a box at some point and compete in the CrossFit Open at this time next year. I don't count on going to the Games but I'd love to do the Open with a group and compete. Cut-off jean shorts is another goal, but I digress...
Anyways, if you've read to the end I feel like you deserve a prize. This biatch was long. All I can say is that this is an outlet for me to hack through thick, tall grass that is my mind but if you take away something good from it, then that's a bonus for me.
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