Self-Destruct

At the embarresingly endless urging of an old friend (alright...they suggested it once), I have decided to dust off the ol' laptop keys and start up my blog again. What's throwing me a little bit is that the dates on my previous post all indicate that I started this around the same time of year two years ago. What is it about March that makes me want to get into shape? It's my birthday month so the impending doom of the aging process is likely the culprit.

So what has happened since last I wrote? Lots. I started Paleo (no grain, no dairy, extra bacon) and CrossFit (sweat, puke, repeat) June 2012 and I lost 50 lbs by October. Like a boss. And then, less-like-a-boss I regained a lot of it. Weight loss is a tricky thing--you actually have to keep doing healthy things in order to maintain it. I can joke about it all day long, but the truth is, it's a painful thing to be so close to success and then ruin it for yourself. I can pinpoint a couple of things that happened over the course of the year that followed that contributed to my downfall, but ultimately it comes down to two things: laziness and fear. I definitely got lazy. I was at a place physically where I no longer felt 'fat' and just felt normal. I got complacent, cocky and self-entitled. I started resenting having to cook healthy, say no to 'fun' things, and I even resented CrossFit. Which I love. Like a lot. This should really be a clue into my mental state at the time. It's not normal to hate something that you love and makes you better. Regrettably, I decided to push the 'self-destruct' button. The second aspect, fear, is something that I have had a hard time nailing down but I'm confident that was the root of it. Changing is scary and shockingly, changing for the better is scary. One year, all I ate were bologna sandwiches. That's how much I hate change. I didn't expect it, but getting closer to my goal weight kinda freaked me out. I could see it and imagine it in a way that I never had. It was actually becoming a reality. Something about that freaked me out I think. If I had to posture a guess, I would say that I had gotten so used to myself the way I was and being overweight became my reason for everything not working out so great in my life. If I didn't have that as an excuse anymore, then it would mean if someone didn't like me then they really didn't like me.

Of course, now that I'm effectively back at square one, I'd like to punch former me. In the face. Regardless of whatever psychosomatic issues I was dealing with, the fact remains that it was a stupid choice to give up the fight. Which brings me to now. March 2014. Two years later. Starting over again. le sigh. Perhaps this time I'm a little bit wiser and a lot more ready for change. I will be more cognizant of those feelings when they pop up, that's for sure. The plan hasn't changed: CrossFit and Paleo. It works, I believe in it and I love it. I also love Subway so...yea...gonna be tough.

Last time I talked about having a goal of being a fitness competitor. This goal has changed. While I have enormous respect for those who compete, it's not something I feel would be healthy for me--too all or nothing. It don't find that motivating anymore. My new goal is to join a box at some point and compete in the CrossFit Open at this time next year. I don't count on going to the Games but I'd love to do the Open with a group and compete. Cut-off jean shorts is another goal, but I digress...

Anyways, if you've read to the end I feel like you deserve a prize. This biatch was long. All I can say is that this is an outlet for me to hack through thick, tall grass that is my mind but if you take away something good from it, then that's a bonus for me.